Family Dynamics Replayed at Work

Having just spent a week traveling with my entire extended family, I was thinking a lot about family dynamics, sibling hierarchy and roles, and how our childhood self plays out in our adult life at home and at work. So I was happy to come across the July 19th article from HBR - The FamilyDynamics We Grew Up with Shape How We Work by Roger Jones.

For years I’ve been coaching leaders and employees that the nature of any work relationship is primarily professional and references to being “one big corporate family” are misguided. The sentiment is well-intentioned, but it’s important to recognize that while family interactions occur in the realm of emotions and feelings and are built on the foundation of love, attachment, and intimacy, workplaces operate successfully when emotions are checked at the door. Professional conduct is about managing emotions and remaining calm under pressure.  Interactions at work are built on common goals and with the purpose of creating future value. We can work for many companies and hold many different roles. But we have only one family. It seems a better model for work relationships is that of a professional sports team. Not for nothing are sports metaphors often used in business context and in management practices. There’s definitely a strong link between success in sports and in business. But that’s a topic for another day.

Whether in sports or in business, it is imperative to reflect on our family dynamics and how we may be reenacting those emotional roles in the workplace: the family clown, the charmer, the pleaser, the troublemaker, the responsible one, the goody two-shoes, etc. The workplace offers many examples of accomplished adults playing out these childhood roles such as the bickering coworkers having a heated argument akin to sibling rivalry, the leader who loses confidence in a big and bad way in the presence of the big boss, the employee who wouldn’t stop being the “smart guy” finishing everyone’s sentences always having the last word, and the petulant employee engaging in pointless verbal battles with the manager. Awareness is the key to navigating the emotional landmines in the workplace and steering conversations towards congenial and collegial interactions conducive to a healthy and productive work environment.

To do so, you need to master the art of staying calm and keeping your composure. This will serve you in every situation. Learn to do so in 4 simple steps:

1. STOP

Conflict, anger, and stress trigger our “fight or flight” response and kick our nervous system into high gear. When you feel your body tense, stop what you are doing.

2. BREATHE

Focus on your breath. Diaphragmatic (belly) breathing helps alleviate stress and regain control. Take 5 breaths in and out (see your belly come forward with each inhale.)

3. CHANT

While focusing on your breath, silently repeat your “stay calm” mantra. It’s similar to the idea of using a safe word. This will help you refocus and dig deep to find patience and tolerance. Some of the “stay clam” mantras my clients have used:

Smiling Brings Me Joy * Laughter Lightens My Load * In Every Moment, Peace is a Choice * Relax, Release, At Ease * Keep Clam & Carry-on.

And my personal mantra is from Simon & Garfunkel’s 59^th Street Bridge Song: “Slow down, you move too fast.”

4. REFRAME

You should now be able to respond to the situation from a place of mindful presence. You can see the big picture and change the conversation to have a productive discussion. Ask yourself what is to be gained? What would be the win-win proposition? Instead of saying “no”, offer up alternative solutions.

The premise is that we need to learn to catch our initial reaction, assess what’s going on, or check the situation, to be able to change it. To open the door for deeper levels of awareness and consciousness, it can be a fun exercise to reflect back and make sense of our early family dynamics and self-diagnose their influence on who we have become and how it all plays out in our adult relationships and interactions with others. And then we can make a commitment to change those things which don’t serve us well and adopt new skills and new behaviors.