The Point of Completion: When You Know You are Done

There are so many inspirational quotes about not giving up pursuing our dreams, getting up when we stumble, and turning failures into victories. Yet, quitting can sometimes be the best move forward. It takes a lot of courage to admit that an old dream no longer feels exciting. Sometimes we just know in our gut that it’s time to let go and move on to something new. I got a call from a client who had a dream to become a manager. He had the dream for 5 years. Following our work together, he did get the promotion about 6 months ago and became a people’s manager. Now he is saying the dream is not what he thought, and landing a dream job is not all it’s cracked up to be. He feels that the job helped him realize that he is NOT a people person. He wants to spend his time trouble-shooting technical issues rather than dealing with people’s issues. In fact, weekly one-on-ones make him want to rip his hair out and listening to excuses of why people need to work from home make him want to bang his head against the wall. In short, reaching his career goal to have the word “manager” on his business card was falling way short of expectations. He knew managing people would be a challenge, but he believed it would be a challenge he’d enjoy. So he landed the perfect job, the one he’d always wanted with a title to match, and well, he hates it. He needs a new dream.

Realizing that a “dream job” is fast becoming a nightmare can be painful, triggering feelings of grief and loss. My client’s vision of success was climbing the corporate ladder by first becoming a manager to then managing bigger and bigger teams earning fancier titles, bigger paychecks, and recognition. Being honest that managing people wasn’t for him, my client now has to re-define his vision and definition of success.  His wife is an artist, and he says that there’s a Frida Kahlo quote in her studio “I never paint dreams or nightmares. I paint my own reality” that really speaks to him. He has come to realize he needs to start painting his own reality. The goals are the same. He wants to receive the pay and perks to still be able to provide for his family and have the funds to maintain their standard of living, but the dream needs to be adjusted. It’s important to remember that success is not tied to a single goal, or a title. Success is fully utilizing our talents in a way that is impactful.

The thing with coaching is that it touches upon topics and raises questions relevant to everyone’s lives, to my life, and may touch tender spots. For years and years, being a career coach was my ultimate dream. I’ve always been driven by the purpose to help others find career success and satisfaction. Running my own business is something I’ve been wanting for a very long time. Yet, a year into being a business owner, I find myself relooking at my goals, established a long time ago. As I’ve failed to reach my 12-month financial goals, do I need to change my dream, or keep trying? I know my strengths and my weaknesses. But how do I know when I reach the point of completion and whether it’s time to change direction?

Some things in life have a clear point of completion. My husband has a dream to walk the 500 miles Camino de Santiago trail in Spain. I asked him why he wants to do it all at once rather than sections of it over a couple of years. He really has his heart set on receiving the compostela, the certificate of completion of the Camino de Santiago. He does not want to do it for any religious or spiritual purpose nor because of any cultural or historical reasons. He wants to do for no other reason than walking and completing the long trail all in one go (and yes, he is aware you can get the certification for walking only the last 100 kilometers of the Camino.) But often in life, there are no markers on the road indicating the point of completion. There may be points in our lives when we are not sure we are on the right path and have no idea how far we still have to go, or what we still have to go through to achieve our goals. It’s easy to leave when something is bad. It’s harder to do when something is good but not great. How long do we need to stick to a dream when it’s slow to come to fruition? This is certainly an individual choice. Here’s what I’ve come to accept:

1. Putting a dream to the test can be a powerful way to poke holes in it
2. As we work towards a goal, things change, and we change, too
3. When things seem to be falling apart, they may actually be falling into place

When our goals change, it means we are growing, evolving. When we evolve, we need to shed the things that no longer serve us and pursue the things that will shape our new destiny. When a dream doesn’t fit our life anymore, it’s time to shift our focus. An old yoga teacher used to start every class with “setting the intention.” The idea is to focus attention and bring awareness to the practice in order to notice the changes. I’ve found it to be true in life as well. The intention, not the goal, deepens the practice and helps us achieve results. We need to start every day like starting a yoga class: holding attention to what is authentic for us and setting the intention for our choices. Being honest about what we want and what we are ready to let go of, our boundaries and limitations, and what is possible to change. Small changes can have a huge positive impact. Make sure that as you start and end your day, you appreciate who you see in the mirror.

“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” ~Henry David Thoreau

Starting a New Business: Failure is an Option but Hope is Infinite

A year ago I made a decision to remove myself from things that no longer served me and let a new adventure begin. In truth, it was more like being pushed to the point of no return rather than a courageous leap of faith. But whether a leap or a stumble, once I let go of solid ground, I had to learn how to land safely. While taking the leap sounds spontaneous and courageous, the truth is that it took months, if not years, of preparing. But ultimately it came down to the final straw, a decision that could no longer be avoided. In the past year I’ve come to realize that plucking up the courage to take that vigorous leap does not even come close to the real guts it takes to then do it all over again day after day facing the many obstacles along the way.

With all the research, prep work, and planning, starting a business is a lot like sky diving with a questionable parachute – you take the leap and build your wings on the way down. Entrepreneurship is personal. Every business owner has a different story about taking the leap. If you listen carefully, you know that the story is not just about passion and happily ever after. Every story is about challenges and twisty roads, fear, and uncertainty. Some days, the weather is nice, the air is crystal clear, and the path lays open and wide inviting me to touch the horizon. Others feel like taking a walk in the dark where I feel out of balance losing my footing being unsure where to step and which direction to take. Staying empowered through tough days that otherwise may leave me feeling powerless, requires persistent and unwavering optimism believing that difficulties are temporary and can be overcome. Few things are either black or white. I have to notice the shades of grey and the many more colors in-between.

I love the story about the father who was worried that his son was overly optimistic. Wanting to prepare him for life’s disappointments, he takes him to the stables filled with horse manure. Rather than crying or showing any signs of disappointment, the boy starts jumping up and down with excitement asking his father for a shovel. The father asks: “what do you need a shovel for?” And the boy responds without pause and with absolute certainty: “Well, with this much horse poop, there must be a pony in here somewhere.”

Being relentlessly optimistic is not about being a Pollyanna seeing everything as positive ignoring reality and avoiding hard truths. It is about seeing options when things go awry and turning negatives into positives. The one thing I’ve learned this year is to look forward to trying again tackling old problems with new strategies. When faced with tough challenges we can either feel hopeful, or hopeless. It’s a choice. And in every situation, it’s always best to hope for a better future than despair over the present circumstances. Hope is a renewable resource, that when used, opens up new possibilities and the freedom to make decisions anew. As much as I’d like to, I cannot control everything that happens in my life and in my business. The only things within my control are my attitude and effort. So why not choose hope? And why not keep trying? When losing a big client, I can say “I was just not good enough. I will never close a big deal.” Or say: “Too bad I couldn’t close this client this time. The client wasn’t ready for the commitment. I will apply the lessons learned and do things differently next time.” The beauty of it all is that I get to choose what is true for me, so why not choose the story that’s most empowering? I believe that successful people are those who are fundamentally hopeful believing that with a strong will there will be a way, even if not the one planned for.

A year into the journey “following my passion,” this is not (yet) a story of great success and loads of money. But it is a story of falling in love with work hoping the results will follow. It’s been a year of taking first clumsy steps addressing challenges never encountered before and learning new skills charting new territories. I am not sure what the future holds. So far, the 80/20 rule applies to running my business. I am spending 80% of my time doing things outside my core competencies, such as Marketing & Sales, to get to spend 20% of my time doing what I love, which is coaching people for career success. If there is a key to unlocking business success, I haven’t found it, yet. But I know the results shouldn’t be judged merely by the seeds planted to date. The harvest may not come for a very long time.  All the key learning moments from this past year can be summed up in a nutshell: “optimism.”  No matter what each new day brings, I am going to face all obstacles and challenges with hope and work to realize the opportunities and possibilities to be found.

Unfortunately, optimism doesn’t come easy to me, and I have to proactively work on remaining hopeful even on cloudy days. I’ve implemented the following five practices to my life to hold up hope as I forge my own path to entrepreneurial success:

1. I finish every day writing down 5 things that went well and/or that I am grateful for in my life.
2. I make sure to check at least 3 things off the daily to-do list that move me further along in achieving my short-term and long-term goals.
3. I do 5 nice things for others every day, even if it’s just a quick “get well” message, or running an errand for someone in need.
4. I take the time to analyze the temporary set-backs to create a moving forward plan that aligns to my ideal vision.
5. I do at least 1 fun thing every day and make sure to have fun things to look forward to booked and on the calendar.

I have found the above to be a sure and steadfast anchor of my entrepreneurial soul to tackle each new challenge with a sense of excitement, anticipation, and energy.

“Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all.”

                                ~Emily Dickinson

What is the song in your soul?

 

 

Work & Life: Striking a Balance between Caring and Self-care

This week I was moved by a Rebecca Thomas LinkedIn post about her difficult decision to resign from a job that she loved because it was killing her. Over 1,000 people have commented, with many reporting a similar struggle to balance work and home life. It is certainly my personal experience (and that of many of my clients) trying to manage a crushing workload, which at times dose not leave much energy or emotional resources to enjoy other aspects of our life. You might be at risk for job burnout if you experience any of the following:

• working over 10 hours a day on a regular basis
• taking work home most days and consistently working on weekends
• never feeling fully relaxed
• (frequently)getting the Sunday or Monday Blues
• feeling physically and emotionally drained most of the time
• having trouble sleeping worrying about work

If any of the above sounds familiar, a new job might be the right solution. However, there are other options to consider as well. You have to figure out how to put yourself in a better position on the current job, or a new one. But whichever you choose, the process involves learning to say “no.” It is essential to prioritize the people and things that make all the difference, and proactively reserve the emotional energy and time only for those situations worthy of the investment of your most precious resources such as our time, talent, and caring. It is perfectly acceptable to care less about people or things that are less caring-worthy. To those who are not sensitive to swear words, Sarah Knight’s TED Talk “The Magic of Not Giving a F***” perfectly illustrates this point.

As boring as this may sound, the first order of business is to do an honest assessment of your healthy habits:

• Are you eating right?
• Are you active enough?
• Do you have adequate downtime?
• Are you getting enough sleep?

When you implement changes in place to get the basic health habits right, you can start looking at other areas in your life. Set aside 5 minutes to make a list of all the time and energy drains in your life. Be specific and get to the core of the issue – outline the specific challenges, or pain-points. For example long commute, a phony boss, grocery shopping, or a needy family member - anything that you want less of in your life. Remember: the first step toward change is to be honest. Stop after 5 minutes. Repeat this step 3 days in a row. On day 4, compile your list of top 5 joy suckers in your life. Here’s a client’s list (shared with consent):

1. My boss is a terrible gossip who talks shit about everyone behind their back.
2. Bay Area traffic is a nightmare. I resent spending 2 hours on highway 101 every day.
3. Since the last round of layoffs, I’ve been doing the work of 3 people and cannot keep up with the workload.
4. I feel left out when the guys on my team play soccer at lunch, and I am not invited.
5. I hate being on conference calls at 10:00 pm, especially since nothing is ever decided.

When you have your list, take 5 minutes over 3 consecutive days to brainstorm solutions. Write down 3 action items for each challenge.

1. My boss is a terrible gossip who talks shit about everyone behind their back.
1. Apply “duck & cover” strategy: avoid lunch/coffee meetings or impromptu 1-on-1 meetings
2. Focus on the work: prepare clear agenda for each meeting. Redirect the conversation to strengths and solutions
3. When possible, invite others to meetings for input
2. Bay Area traffic is a nightmare. I resent spending 2 hours on the 101 every day.
1. Request telecommute 2 days a week (Tuesday & Friday)
1. Complete productivity WFH plan by [DATE]
2. Work on pitch to present 1-on-1 at [DATE]
2. Downloaded podcasts to my smartphone (The Muse 51 list) – this weekend
3. Create am/pm commute playlist – ask son over the weekend
4. Create weekly calling list to connect with family/friends  (every Sunday)
3. Since the last round of layoffs, I’ve been doing the work of 3 people and cannot keep up with the workload.
1. Draft a work plan of big projects & deadlines + daily/weekly/monthly tasks (telecommute plan #2)
2. Identify which things I can cover/what needs to be delegated to others – next step pitch to manager
3. Start every morning breaking the day into blocks w/breaks
4. Research productivity and time management apps & check any that are applicable (start using top 3 within 1 month)
4. I feel left out when the guys on my team play soccer at lunch, and I am not invited.
1. No more eating at my desk! Take 30-minute break every day
2. Keep Sketchers at my desk to go for a walk & find a nice spot to eat sandwich
3. Create a “lunch buddy” list for 3 months. Once a week initiate a lunch meeting with co-workers or LI connections (start [DATE])
5. I hate being on conference calls at 10:00 pm, especially since nothing is ever decided.
1. Decline all mass-conference calls & catch-up asking for meeting notes
2. Dedicate no more than 1 night per week for conference calls – Wed. night 9-11pm
3. Smile and promise to “do the needful”

When you are a caring, dedicated and conscientious employee, you tend to let work demands spill over into non-work time. Unfortunately, there’s no magic bullet for finding work-life balance. This is a continuous learning process in which we focus our attention and take action to improve our personal efficacy and emotional well-being. The key is to keep prioritizing what we care about and directing our time, energy, and efforts on those things that are within our control. And above all, we always need to keep all options open. No job is for life. Never stop looking for other opportunities. Make sure you dedicate a couple of hours each week to look at job openings in your field and to network. Life is short. Do something you love. Work where you thrive.

Celebrating Small Wins: 100 Blog Posts and Counting

This is my 100th blog post, almost 12 months since I took the leap and started my own talent consulting and coaching business. My professional journey has taken me through many challenging yet rewarding routes. While there’s no one path in business which fits everyone, there are many articles written about why blogging is important when starting a new business. And hence I set a goal to write at least 100 posts in my first year in business to help others by sharing my knowledge and information. The old adage has proven true: in trying to help others I’ve helped myself. Blogging is a great tool to facilitate deeper thinking and put facts and ideas together into a coherent whole. It requires that I find my own voice as I use my experience and knowledge to benefit others.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far along the journey:

1. Dream big: give yourself room to grow

When I was growing up, buying new shoes meant passing the Thumb Test. My mother would use her thumb to push down on the end of the toe to make sure the shoes were slightly too big so that we’d grow into them. How excited we were to get these too big shoes once a year. Nowadays we know to buy shoes that fit properly, but the concept is still valid for our dreams – choose your dreams a size too big so that you can grow into them.

2. Plan small: break down a big goal into small steps

Once you have identified the end-result, narrow your focus and maintain attention on what will get you there. Success is incremental, a series of small steps. My grandmother had this Yiddish proverb that “if you want your dreams to come true, don’t sleep”. You need to break the dream into small achievable goals and get to work. Define what would be important moments on your journey. Every milestone would bring you closer to your big dream.

3. Track your progress: do more of what’s working

We get de-motivated when we feel our goals are too far off. Tracking your progress regularly will help you realize how much you’ve done and how far you’ve come in achieving your goal. Every step forward is an achievement. Make sure you track what goes well, and do more of it. This will help keep you on the right path and give you the strength to continue pushing and forging ahead.

4. Reward yourself: celebrate small wins

An important part of reaching big goals is celebrating your progress. That’s why you need to list your wins, big or small, every day and for every week. Every forward movement is a reason to celebrate, not necessarily for making a big difference, but for successfully staying the course. Small wins build momentum and have enormous motivational power since they indicate we are capable of achieving bigger and greater things. Each step completed merits a special treat.

5. Keep going: there’s always more in you

When you reach one goal, it’s time to set a new one. Challenges are good for the soul. Look back and think about what you didn’t get done, or could have done better. Once you’ve done the proper reflection, look forward to setting and achieving new goals for the next growth spurt.

I am finding that in trying to create the extraordinary, I just need to put a little “extra” into the ordinary every single day. How about you, are you ready to put a little 'extra' into your life?

 

 

Jerks at Work Are Not Born, They’re Made

When you are dealing with someone who is a complete jerk at work, pretend you are a workplace anthropologist and take the time to assess the organizational culture. This assessment is crucial in planning your next steps. Take note:
 

• Do people seem engaged, excited, energized, and friendly, or grumpy, deflated and withdrawn?
• How do senior leaders interact with people lower on the totem pole and with customers?
• What is posted on the walls and bulletin boards?

And most importantly – who is a hero? Who is getting hired, promoted, or fired?

Jerks are the by-product of a company’s culture, the behaviors that are rewarded and reinforced. In his article “Your Company’s Culture is Who You Hire, Fire, & Promote” Cameron Sepah drives the point home that a culture is the result of behavioral modeling rather than a collection of fluff words and slogans on the walls. We are what we practice, not what we preach. When jerk-like behaviors are acceptable, or worse, rewarded, they become contagious turning into social norms.

As a general rule of thumb, if disrespect, rudeness, and bullying behaviors seem to be the norm and people around you seem miserable and disengaged, run! If you find yourself in a negative work environment, sounding the workplace jerk alarm is not likely to yield any positive outcomes. When a company has a bad corporate culture that trickles down from the top, and where the welfare of employees is disregarded, approaching HR or upper management would be an exercise in futility (recall recent story of an ex-Uber engineer going viral accusing the company of knowingly ignoring discrimination and harassment.) In such circumstances, don’t try to deal with the jerk du jour – cut your losses and start working on your exit strategy.

However, if the company culture is vibrant and healthy, and you have been unfortunate enough to deal with a difficult co-worker or boss, you need to come up with an actionable damage-control plan.  But who is a jerk? Typically, jerks are the grown-up version of the sandbox bully. They tend to pick on those they consider beneath them by being consistently unpleasant, critical, and uncooperative. They are ruthlessly competitive going to extreme lengths to outshine everyone around them, often playing dirty. They may be good producers themselves, but their poor behavior prevents others from maximizing their full potential. It’s very difficult when the workplace jerk you are dealing with is your own boss, the person potentially influencing your career potential. Don’t take it lightly. Stress impacts your emotional (and physical) well-being. It’s important to take action. Negative situations require a proactive problem-solving approach. This is a game of patience, finesse, and strategy.

In his book “The No Asshole Rule” Robert I. Sutton, a professor of management science and engineering at Stanford Engineering School, provides enlightening insights into the phenomenon of the workplace meanies.

There are 3 steps to deal with workplace jerks:

1. Calmly disengage

Get yourself out of the line of fire, count to 10, and take a few deep breaths. Just stop and think; most likely, the incident is not worth losing your cool over. A calm, well-thought-out response always yields better results than a knee-jerk reaction.
 

2. Carefully assess

Before you allow yourself to get drawn into the ring, do some hard thinking to figure out the real issue at hand.
 

3. Determine your approach
 

#1 No Response – a reply is not always needed. At times, the best strategy is to do nothing. Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut. Shrug the nastiness off and let any jerk moves roll off your back. Take the high road and walk away the bigger person.

#2 DIY Response – handle own your own. In all contentious situations, exercise good judgment and be diplomatic. It takes finesse to be both direct and tactful. Don’t assume the jerk is aware of how he comes across or how his behavior affects others. Approach the jerk with caution using friendliness as your weapon. Deliver the well-rehearsed message along the lines of: “I really enjoy working with you and want to make sure we work together effectively. Is there anything I could do to ensure we have a great working relationship?”

#3 Outsource the Response: seek counsel from a trusted mentor or human resources professional. If your attempts at resolution are not successful, and the jerk remains uncooperative to the point it is affecting your performance and deliverables, take the issue to HR. But before you schedule a meeting, make sure you are familiar with the employee handbook and workplace policies. Be prepared to provide specific information about the work problem, especially if you are being bullied or harassed. Most HR professionals go into the field because they really love working with and helping people through work challenges. Their job is to support a positive work experience for employees and help create great work cultures.
 

Stop and Think: is there a chance you are the jerk at work? How often do you intimidate, demean, belittle, criticize, humiliate, or sabotage others? Are you rude and short with people most of the time? Do you tell half-truths or deliberately withhold information from others? How often do you find yourself getting angry and yelling at work? Ever threw a full-fledged temper tantrum at work? If you exhibit any of these behaviors, you may want to read “10 Signs That the Jerk at Work Might Be You”.

Try and get honest feedback to get a clear picture of how you are perceived by others. And if it turns out you are the jerk, hopefully you will decide to change your jerk-like behaviors. This would help you have better interpersonal relationships with others, which will in turn make you more effective. Even if you have seen career success despite behaving badly, think how much more successful you can be when you show respect and learn to handle relationships with tact and diplomacy. It may be a gift to yourself and to those who work with you.