From Angst to Empowerment

The Harvard Business Review article “What to Do If Your Parents Are Causing You Career Angst” by Stew Friedman is not quite what I expected, but it’s a good read just the same. It seems that more than ever before, parents remain highly involved in their adult children’s lives and career choices, which can cause conflict and stress. Friedman offers the stakeholder dialogue technique to manage the conversation and reduce the tension when parents’ expectations regarding career choices are not aligned with children’s wants, values, and dreams.

Now, I thought the article would be about helicopter parents coming into the workplace right along with their millennial children. While not a common occurrence, I have received the occasional phone call from parents. It’s true; some parents prepare their children’s resumes and fill out their job applications. Telltale signs are when they forget and put their own social security number on the application or the wrong contact information on the resume. And there is always someone who would call to schedule the interview for their child. I also had a few parents call in with some excuse about their child not feeling well and not being able to make it to work. And I am not talking about emergency situations when an employee had an accident or suffered a serious health condition. I personally haven’t received any calls from parents complaining about their child’s performance review or trying to negotiate a pay increase on behalf of their child, but some of my HR colleagues say these things do happen. It must be true if Robert Half Technology has a video about it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KQ1QpJQx7U

In recent years, the concept of “Take Your Child to Work Day” has been expanded by some Silicon Valley companies such as Google and LinkedIn to take on a new form of a back-to-school-night, inviting parents to peek into the work life of their adult child. Google started the “Take Your Parents to Work Day” in 2012, with LinkedIn announcing “Bring in Your Parents Day” in 2013. Needless to say, the parents are arriving in droves. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a brilliant idea for companies to welcome parents into the workplace. Why not capitalize on the bond between employees and their parents to create more hype and brand exposure?

But no matter how you feel about inviting parents for any open house type events, I believe we can all agree that we need to draw the line when it comes to parental over-involvement in the workplace. After years of managing the kids’ lives from the soccer field to college, it’s time for the parents to fly off and let them make their own career decisions. Let the children conduct their own job search, negotiate job offers, and learn to navigate corporate life on their own. Let’s cut the metaphorical umbilical cord and declare the workplace a no-fly zone for hovering parents.

Parents have valuable life and work experiences. Sharing our experience and stories, our struggles our achievements, and our lessons learned can help guide our children as they forge their own path. But only when we recognize that it’s their OWN PATH to walk, their own personal journey. Every situation while not new in the human experience is unique and very personal. Our hard learned lessons and wisdom can’t protect our children from making their own mistakes. We need to set them free and let them spread their wings and do things their own way. It’s the only way they’ll gain independence, experience, and the confidence to truly thrive.

Parents and managers can improve confidence in decision-making by adopting a “coach approach.” Adult children and employees don’t need to be told what to do but rather to be guided and supported as they explore options and determine the best course of action. Here’s how:

1. Remember it’s not about you; it’s about them
2. Trust that they have the answers
3. Listen actively, talk sparingly
4. Withhold judgment
5. Help them define their goals
6. Encourage them to create stretch goals
7. Discuss options, choices, and trade-offs
8. Talk to them on a regular basis about their strategy and action steps
9. Provide constructive feedback
10. Celebrate progress

5 Questions to empower decision-making:

1. What challenges are you facing in your [job search, job, etc.]?
2. What is your ideal outcome/ultimate goal?
3. What are your options?
4. What would be a good next step/s?
5. How can I support you?

A Job for Life

I got the job right after school with no experience to speak of and no interviews. I was essentially thrown into the position with no training whatsoever. But I was very lucky to have a great partner, the best, and together despite a few bumps in the road, we’ve had the most amazing and awe-inspiring ride raising a family. It seems like only yesterday that we were reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and now our children are ready to leave the nest and fly away. Parenting is by far the most challenging and rewarding job I’ve ever had. As my children head into the world, I know that while I thought my job was to help them grow, I’ve been growing by leaps and bounds right along with them.

We are sending them off knowing they have the skills to thrive in the world and a thirst for learning. Education encourages imagination, creativity, and open-mindedness. It is also a path to greater opportunities and better jobs. To quote Derek Bok, former president of Harvard University, "If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” And we hope that as they pursue higher education and big dreams they will find happiness and fulfillment.

We are letting them go with our blessing to make their own choices. They have strong roots and a strong sense of self. Our gift to them is wings without conditions. We trust that with time they will soar high flying with courage, confidence and grace. It’s a wonderful thing to see them follow their heart and spread their wings. My heart is a little bit broken yet whole swelling with joy and pride.

And for some reason I find myself thinking about an old story about a father who was worried that his son was too optimistic, so in an attempt to teach him the dangers of having high expectations and getting disappointed and hurt, he gave him a pile of horse manure for Christmas. To his surprise, the boy squealing with joy started looking for a pony.

And as my children are leaving home, my wish for them is that they continue to live their life with a sense of gratitude and optimism believing that there must be a pony in there somewhere.

I have been fortunate to have had several careers, and I am most proud of and most grateful for this job of a lifetime. And despite the many challenges inherent in the job, there’s nothing I would trade for this amazing journey. I am grateful to my children for teaching me about love and life. I truly believe that motherhood has made me a better person in both my personal and professional life. My children are my agents of change and my biggest motivation. They inspire me to put in my all and do my very best in everything that I do. It’s funny how my parenting job worked out. I’ve gained new insights as I tried to offer wisdom, encouragement, and support. I’ve learned to see the world with an open mind and embrace it with an open heart; to always see the best in people, to be grateful for all that I have, and to celebrate every achievement no matter how small. I am not perfect, and throughout the journey there were times that my performance as a parent was less than stellar, but I still feel it’s my most important role in a job for life and my most significant achievement.

Quitting is for Winners

We've all had bad days at the office; maybe even a couple bad weeks, but how do we know when it’s really time to leave? Well, if you can’t remember the last good day you’ve had at work, it’s probably time to start considering making a chance. The best coaching tip I can give is to evaluate your career progression and opportunities on an on-going basis to be ready when it’s time to make a move.

Many of us have been raised on the notion that quitting is bad and the mantra “Winners never quit. Quitters never win.” In his Knox College Commencement Speech in 2005 President Obama said “America is a land of big dreamers and big hopes” and continued to inspire the students to seek more than just making money saying “Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself.” So while hard work, discipline and perseverance are great virtues, our efforts need to be aligned with a greater value. Winners know when to quit and do so for all of the right reasons. They recognize a change is needed to focus on the “big rocks”, the right things, to pursue meaning, happiness, and continued growth.

In his book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” Covey introduces the metaphor of the big rocks. How many rocks would fill a glass jar? Once all the big rocks are in, there’s room for more pebbles. And then there’s still more room for sand to fill the space between the rocks and the pebbles. But even though it seems like the jar is completely full, it could still hold some water until it gets full to the brim. In both our business and personal life, we have rocks, pebbles, sand and water. Rocks are the most important things that give meaning to our life, what truly matters. The pebbles are those things that are important but not as meaningful. The sand and water are the day-to-day activities that fill our days but are not critical to who we are and what we are meant to be and to do. In the context of making any changes, we need to ask ourselves whether we are putting the big rocks in first, or let pebbles, sand and water dominate our decisions.

In anything we do, the big rocks must be in place first; otherwise they will never fit in. So if you think about making a career change, be sure to consider the big rocks in your life and whether you are being true to yourself in the work that you do. In my experience coaching clients through career changes, these are the top 3 reasons people start seeking greener pastures:

Relationship with Boss/Poor Leadership

The relationship with the immediate supervisor is often the No. 1 reason why people jump ship. As the old saying goes ” people quit leaders, not companies.” Employees may be lured by high pay and generous benefits package, but it is their relationship with the immediate manager and senior leaders that determines how long they stay.

A happy workplace should buzz with energy. Poor leadership creates a challenging work environment that if left unmanaged deteriorates into a negative corporate culture.

When you look forward and can’t see yourself with the company in 12 months, it’s time to start looking for your next job.

Stagnation & Loss of Joy

The job becomes a chore and the passion is gone; you no longer care about the work you are doing and the company. You have been in your role for a while, but you are not assigned interesting and meaningful work that would allow you to develop your skills and learn new ones. You have more to offer, but there are no opportunities for growth and development. In a perfect world, we would all be able to do exactly what we want and love our job 100% of the time. For some people this is a reality, but for many the dream job wouldn’t pay the bills. However, if you can’t find the right balance and only live for the weekends, it might be time to start considering other options.

Work-Life Balance (or lack thereof)

There’s nothing wrong with working long(er) hours when needed. However, when the job takes over your life impacting your personal life and the relationship with loved ones, it’s time to take stock and re-evaluate priorities.

And when the job is affecting your health and happiness, it’s time to consider your employment options. If you start experiencing chronic health-related issues due to stress at work, you may need to make some changes in your life. And when it’s time for a change, listen to your gut feelings. If you've been thinking about quitting for some time, it may be time to listen to that little voice and take the leap. Change isn’t easy, but you deserve to be happy. Imagine bouncing out of bed every morning bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and excited to start a new day.

 

 

The Case of the Monday Blues

A lot has been written about Americans working longer and harder hours and taking less vacation. CNN Money reports that 4 in 10 workers put in 50+ hours on the job each week:

http://money.cnn.com/2015/07/09/news/economy/americans-work-bush/

For many, this might be labor of love, doing work that is interesting and meaningful. But even people who love their job may experience on-the-job-stress and have the occasional “I hate my job!” moments. I have found in my practice that Sunday afternoons and evenings are the most sought after time slots for coaching. For many, Monday morning blues have a tendency to start on Sunday. A common question is whether experiencing the Sunday Night or Monday Blues is a sign that it’s time to quit. The HR answer is “it depends” to be followed by coaching questions to evoke strategic thinking, exploration, and evaluation of choices.

But before we get ready to ponder the age-old question “should I stay or should I go,” we can try and use self-regulation strategies to beat the Sunday night or Monday morning blues.

First, you need to develop your own start of the week practice. Some people find it helpful to start their Monday on Sunday night mentally preparing for the new work week ahead while others don’t want anything to interfere with their Sunday night enjoying every last minute of work-free time.

But whether you choose to start on a Sunday evening or Monday morning, the following activities may help you transition smoothly into your work week Monday morning:

1. Do things that give you energy

• Treat yourself. It doesn’t have to be big: a meal with friends, a special dessert, watching a favorite movie, working on an art project, having an extra shot in your morning coffee, anything that will bring you pleasure and make Sunday night and Monday morning special.
• Work out to get an endorphin boost to improve your mood.
• Create your “happy place” playlist.
• Dress for success; choose your best outfit that makes you feel happy and powerful.
• Schedule something fun for Monday to have something to look forward to.

2. Find meaning outside of work

Our job is just one aspect of our life. Make time for your loved ones and friends. Pursue something you are passionate about: enjoy old/new hobbies, volunteer your time, and learn something new.

3. Embrace your stress

When we accept the Monday blues as a normal phenomenon, we can re-shift our focus to take control of our Sunday night and Monday morning experience.
 

First, smile! There is scientific evidence that smiling can make you happy: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prefrontal-nudity/201208/smile-powerful-tool
 

Then practice mindfulness. Focus on the here and now with a positive perspective and a sunny disposition: the good in your life and on the job, the things to be grateful for, and the things you can accomplish. A great tool is using affirmations. Create reminder cards to help you start your new week right. Similarly, you may create such positive affirmations for you kids’ lunchbox – “I love you because…” or your loved one.
For inspiration, check out Louise May affirmations at www.louisemay.com.

Let’s make it a great week!