Living Fearlessly: The Courage to Suck

Sadly, being a perfectionist who sets high expectations for myself and strives persistently to achieve them, I cannot be satisfied with good effort unless it results in good work. I struggle to accept and embrace sucking, my own less-than-stellar performance. An old mentor once told me that the antidote to perfectionism is acceptance, of our strengths as well as our flaws. Giving ourselves permission to live a healthy and happy life while occasionally stumbling, falling, messing up, or not doing and giving it our very best, just our good enough. It’s all temporary anyway – our successes and failures. When things go well, be sure to enjoy it fully. And during those times when it's not all smooth sailing, remember that the wheel of life is always turning, and this, too, shall pass. We need a good mix of successes, partial successes, and failures, a wide variety of experiences, and to face them all with a cheerful heart.

Now, clearly, sucking at something is not fun, but the point is to remind ourselves to be okay with sucking for the moment. Instead of berating yourself for falling short, take a humorous approach and tip your hat to your flaws saying “You are welcome here, too. And we’ll work this out.” The same old mentor challenged me to always keep trying new activities, the point being that I’d suck at the vast majority of them, at least in the beginning. And so, every so often, I will try and pick up a new hobby. I’ve lost count of all the many different pursuits, but can honestly say that some were a huge success being well-suited for my natural ability (adult coloring books, hiking and kayaking), some were an epic fail (kickboxing - hated the smell, and Dragon boat racing - pulled my back rowing on just one side), and some were enjoyable despite the fact that I kind of suck at it, for example, knitting. I never progressed beyond easy patterns for scarves and blankets. But I love knitting. It’s like therapy for me. I even started a knitting club, being the club’s least talented member. But you know what? I am perfectly happy being a beginner knitter for life.

You might counter and ask: “but why would anyone do something they are not good at?” Well, why not? By definition, free time should be a time when we are free to do things for which we have great passion or that give us great pleasure even if we don’t necessarily have the talent or skills. Time out from duties, responsibilities, and toils should be all about fun as a way to reenergize and refresh the mind and body.  There’s a lot to be said for just being in the moment, creating a safe zone where no comparing or competition are allowed, where pure presence and joy are the end-goal.

This brings me to this week’s new challenge – getting back in the pool. It seemed like a truly great idea to fill two needs with one deed, give my legs a break and embrace the sucking. Except that swimming is my worst nightmare. It’s boring, the chlorine kills my skin and wreaks havoc on my curls, and I just cannot get the hang of breathing in the water. To add insult to injury, my goggles always fill with water making my eyes sting. I am definitely meant for solid ground, not water. Despite all of the above, I was determined to give swimming (another) try. I should also specify that I am the product of my father’s Sink or Swim survival swimming teaching method, tossing us kids into the water to make us swim, which in all fairness, was the chosen practice at the time. Most of my friends also took swimming lessons later on. Swimming lessons were a compulsory element in the school 4th grade curriculum when I was growing up in Israel. It was certainly a defining experience of my youth being a pale fat girl sticking out like a sore thumb among the fit, toned, and tanned bodies of my classmates, the sabras. I managed to get out of swim lessons due to chronic ear infections, and so I never properly learned how to swim.

But I showed up committing myself to swimming two times a week, 30 minutes per workout. I wasn’t expecting to be able to cover 20-30 laps like I used to after I took some swimming lessons a couple of years ago, but I was not prepared to only be able to do just 2 lengths of the pool before needing to take a break. By the end of the 30-minutes involving some swimming and a lot of resting, I was completely and utterly exhausted to the delight of my elderly lane-mate who tried to lecture me about the importance of being in good shape. It certainly didn’t help that I made the rookie mistake of forgetting to remove the logo stickers from my brand new googles, looking like a complete and utter idiot, so silly. But instead of protesting too much about my fitness level, I decided to embrace the sucking and allow my uniqueness to scream out loud, “yes, I suck!”

Is this at all applicable to building a career? Some people approach their careers the same way our parents wanted us to approach school: be good at everything. Most people don’t give themselves permission to suck. They stress over their imperfections and are in too big of a rush to speed up the learning process, to make a quick splash. We are humans. Nobody is perfect. Find a way to be okay with sucking for a short time. You’ll suck at most things in the beginning. It takes time, persistence, and patience to deliver your best work. But in our careers, once we spend the necessary time to learn a skill and gain experience, there comes a point when in order to grow, we need to drop, or delegate the things that we suck at to focus on the things we excel at to leverage our strengths for peak performance. Be honest with yourself and understand your limitations in order to learn, grow, and improve. Acknowledge the areas where you have room to grow, but spend most of your energy, time, and attention on using your strengths to get ahead in your career.

But always keep challenging yourself to try out new things. You might suck in the beginning. And that’s okay. Never miss an opportunity to show up and do the best that you can. Have the best attitude, be the best at practicing.  It might turn into a great opportunity or something to leave by the wayside moving on to the next new thing.

When is the last time you tried something new?

Living Fearlessly: The Courage to Ask for Help

In the wake of the terrible and tragic deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I’ve had many conversations with family members, friends, and clients about mental health, depression, and what may lead people who seem to have it all to take their own lives. This type of question typically results in a captivating discussion and the quick realization that everyone struggles with something, which then leads toward a much more personal question as to why, for most of us, asking for help is so difficult, especially for those of us who consider ourselves independent and self-sufficient.

When my brother-in-law was in med school, he used to joke about having “the medical school syndrome,” becoming convinced you are suffering whatever disease you are studying. But being a coach and helping people for a living, I actually have experienced first-hand many of the challenges my clients are facing. In fact, while each person is unique, most workplace issues are fairly common. Through challenges and triumphs we all experience the same basic emotions that have driven and defined the human experience since the beginning of time. Similar to many of my clients, one of my greatest challenges is to ask for and allow myself to accept help. The Art of Asking: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help  was recommended to me as a primer to asking and receiving help. Prior to this recommendation, I hadn’t been aware of the existence of Amanda Palmer. Still not a fan of her music, but the book and her life story are inspiring, see the short version in her Ted Talk: The Art of Asking.

Most people who know me would tell you that I probably have helped them at one point or another. But being the strong-willed high- achiever that I am, I’ve always pushed myself to try and “do it all” my own way, which was positively reinforced in my personal and professional life. I don’t know exactly when it began, but somewhere along the way, the idea took hold that asking for help was a weakness. Despite being surrounded by people willing to lend me a helping hand, I’d stubbornly kept on trying to take on the world single-handedly ignoring those gracious offers of help. It is only in recent years that maturity set in, and I was able to fully grasp that asking for help is a sign of our humanity and fortitude. There’s always an element of vulnerability when opening-up to someone else, but it is the only way to truly connect with our fellow travelers on this mortal journey, the people who show up in our lives and forever change them.

We all have times in our lives when we need help. We don’t ever have all the knowledge, information, skills, or resources to do everything successfully. In the different roles we play in our personal and professional lives, there’s always room for growth and improvement. It is a great strength to know when we need help, where to go for assistance, and how to best utilize the resources available to us. Successful people are those who are strong enough to stand alone and do things on their own, but who are smart enough to know when they need help and to be brave enough to ask for it. Asking for help is taking that leap of faith trusting that if you dare ask, you shall receive. Recognizing the human truth that most people cherish the opportunity to be kind and helpful and appreciate the opportunity to step up and be amazing. Most people are willing to go out of their way to be helpful if only we have the courage to ask.

And there’s so much to be gained by asking for help:

1. Asking for help builds deeper connections: when you allow yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help, you give another person the chance to show empathy and be helpful. This forms a bond of trust on a deep emotional level with the other person.
2. Asking for help encourages collaboration: most people have an innate desire to do good, to make a difference, to contribute in a positive way to those who are in need. Just think about people rallying up when a natural disaster happens willing to help complete strangers across the world. Why wouldn’t they feel just as equally compelled to share their expertise and abilities with people they know? A simple request for help can lead to future mutually beneficial partnerships and collaboration.
3. Asking for help sparks learning and growth: we live and work in a world where things constantly shift and change. It’s okay not to know everything. Like asking questions, asking for help can start a dialogue and pave the way for learning when you come across different approaches, perspectives, knowledge, and skills as people share them with you when providing assistance. If you just pay attention.

But only if you know how to ask:

1. Be prepared: figure out what you need & who to ask

Consider what you hope to achieve before asking someone for their time - clarity and focus are key. Make a wish list of all the potential things you may need help with in order of importance and urgency. For each item list 1-3 people who would be best able to help you with this particular issue. Start with asking for help with your top-of-the-list item, the one that can make a real impact if sorted out.

2. Be specific: state precisely what it is that you need

Because asking for help can feel awkward, you may be tempted to beat around the bush and drop little hints. A better strategy is being direct and covert in asking for assistance. Few of us are expert mind readers, the only way to get what you need, is to ask for it. There’s no shame in asking for something as long as you are upfront and acknowledge that’s exactly what you are doing.

3. Be gracious: acknowledge the help you received

When someone is offering help, in a small way or a large one, be sure to graciously express appreciation and gratitude for the help you’ve received. Just as you should be precise in your “ask,” be specific when you thank someone for their help and support. Let them know how their time, efforts, and actions have made a difference.

Asking for help is a way to connect meaningfully with others, so be humble enough to give generously and receive fearlessly.

 

 

Past Actions, Present Standards, & Future Predictions

A historic summit between the leader of the Free World, and a brutal dictator presiding over the world’s most repressive country deciding to “leave the past behind.” Can someone who is responsible for the death of hundreds and the imprisonment of tens of thousands of North Koreans in labor camps have a “great personality?” Should he be invited to the White House? Should we ignore past actions and present behaviors in hope for a better future? It brings up those high school moral dilemmas where students are asked to discuss the reasons and possible solutions to situations like the Trolley Problem (turn the trolley onto the one to save the five), or the Heinz dilemma (steal the medicine to save the wife.) Should we engage with a tyrant to promote democracy and peace in the world?

I think it’s safe to say that most scientists studying human behavior would agree that past behavior is a good marker for future behavior. This is the premise behind behavioral interviewing. Employers have been hiring new team members for years based on interview answers to common behavioral questions believing that the best predictor of future performance is past behavior. I am not a psychologist nor a political analyst, but doesn’t it stand to reason that someone who is responsible for grave violations of international humanitarian law and the complete and utter rejection of democratic values and human rights would not be likely to change his stripes? Isn’t the summit essentially promoting the interests of countries like North Korea, China and Russia recognizing the legitimacy of governments infamous for their poor human rights record?

Or is it a brilliant tactic to “keep our enemies closer?” History teaches us that using force to spread democracy always fails and results in violent resistance. Despite the great efforts of the United States and the European Union to promote democracy, it is in retreat across the world: In China, in Russia, in the Arab world, in Africa, and in Latin America. Through past failures we can learn two important lessons. The first one is that there’s no quick and easy way to change how non-democratic governments relate to their citizens. The second is to avoid engaging in direct conflict with governments trampling on human rights and focus efforts on promoting stability and positive change. People are won more easily by gentle persuasion and flattery than by hostile confrontation. The path to success in the world of politics and in business is to position ourselves to win the battle before it even starts.

Inevitably, everyone encounters professional adversaries - people who compete with you for resources, who don’t follow through on commitments, who resort to dirty antics, and whose values you question and mistrust. Typically, confronting these people is an exercise in futility. They’ve cultivate their worldview, value-system, and attitudes through their own life experiences and thus are not likely to change. Ignoring these people is also likely to prove a bad career move as they tend to work behind your back to build alliances and support that can land you in a lot of trouble. A proven warfare strategy to deal with your work nemesis would be to keep them close and defeat them with kindness. Disarm them by doing the opposite of what is expected. The element of surprise will heighten your competitive advantage. Exert smart influence to get your opponents to help you. Forcing them into a Zero-sum game would never be as effective as working to create value through cooperation.

In sum, it is important to keep such work “enemies” close for the following reasons:

1. Keep them close to provide an early detection system: when you relate to the “real person” within your nemesis you can slowly build some trust but also detect warning signs of any surprise attack against you.
2. Keep them close to understand their interests and drive: gain insights to add to your store of knowledge. Creating your own Personal Knowledge Management (PKM) is a highly impactful practice to gather, classify, search and retrieve knowledge.
3. Keep them close to sharpen your own thinking and understanding: challenging people, challenging situations, and adversity push us into learning new things and new skills.
4. Keep them close to establish reciprocal benefits: learning to disagree agreeably can clear the path to reaching mutually beneficial solutions in pulling together resources to effectively network and collaborate.
5. Keep them close to promote them: finding ways to promote your enemy will send the message that you are focused on the greater good and are well above internal politics and in-fighting.

In general, worrying about how things might go wrong, doesn’t help things go right. So, when we are given the opportunity to proactively try and break a vicious cycle, we ought to accept the challenge of replacing the “worst case scenarios” based on past events with “best case scenarios” to anticipate and influence future outcomes.

 

 

“13 Reasons Why” – Continuing Onto the Workplace

I just finished binging the second season of “13 Reasons Why” last night. I believe season one was the most talked about show of 2017. It follows the bullying and harassment that lead to the suicide of Hannah Baker. The second season picks up in the aftermath of Hannah's death. Because the show touches on difficult and complex topics such as teenage substance abuse, bullying, harassment, sexual assault, rape, and suicide, it was almost too much to bear. Tragic. Upsetting. Heartbreaking. Although the story takes place in the fictional town of Crestmont, living in the Bay Area, it was easy to recognize many of the locations, so it felt almost too close to home. I became completely engrossed in the complicated and emotional storyline. And as a parent, I am so grateful my children have survived middle school and high school.

The show, and particularly the second season, has been criticized for its graphic depiction of violence and suicide. As hard as it was to watch, I commend the show for daring to shine a light in very dark places to confront us with the hard truth about American culture. As responsible adults we have to pay better attention and be prepared to address these very relevant social issues. Because you cannot watch the show without being left wondering about how prevalent are bullying and sexual harassment in our schools, in our workplaces, and in our culture? And if you follow the news, and the #MeToo social media campaign, then it seems all too clear that sexual harassment and assault are pervasive across all realms of life – in our schools, in the workplace, and in our communities. For generations, children have experienced bullying, abuse, and physical and sexual assault at school to become the adults still living these experiences when joining the workforce.

Federal law forbids sexual harassment and provides protection for employees under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. And many states have adopted laws and regulations which expressly prohibits sexual harassment. In 2004, California passed AB 1825 requiring employers with 50 or more employees to provide training on preventing and eliminating sexual harassment in the workplace. Employers have a legal responsibility to maintain a workplace that is free of bullying and sexual harassment. And yet, sexual harassment remains widespread across all industries and professions. It seems Harvey Weinstein’s downfall has opened the floodgates with many new stories coming to light on a daily basis. Sometimes a culture of harassment can persist for a quarter of a century as in the case of Ford’s Chicago Plants ‘The Daily’: Sexual Harassment at Ford. And let us not forget Susan Fowler whose Uber experience was a reminder that discrimination, bullying, and sexual harassment all also happen in Silicon Valley, the forefront of technology and innovation. Sexual misconduct is everywhere. One-fifth of American adults have experienced sexual harassment at work according to a CNBC Report.

A culture of pervasive harassment is a culture of enablers, a culture of silence. Offenders get away with improper behaviors when they are protected by the silence of those around them. Bystanders play a crucial role in acts of aggression allowing them to happen and become progressively worse when they say and do nothing. How do we win the war on bullying and sexual harassment? By not looking the other way, by breaking the code of silence. When we witness any inappropriate behaviors, we have a duty to call it out. Not taking a stand against bullying and harassment, choosing the safety of inaction, is like feeding the lion hoping it will eat you last. To make our workplaces safe for everyone we need to break the networks of silence and build communities of empowerment.

“The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything.” ~Albert Einstein