Rethinking Competitiveness

The news about the new round of tariffs on Chinese goods and the growing concern about trade wars got me thinking about competitiveness. Whether in government or in business, a leader’s job is to achieve and sustain competitive advantage; to make the institutions they lead superior and to produce maximum value for constituents/customers while adhering to ethical values. But why is it that when it comes to individuals, being competitive sometimes gets a bad rap? In some ways, it has become synonyms with being aggressive, self-absorbed, greedy, and envious of others. For many years now, I have been helping people reach their full potential in their career, and when it comes to competitiveness, I have found it to be a powerful career driver. We need to let go of the misconception that competitiveness means winning at all costs and fully recognize the many facets of the trait.

Being competitive means a hyper focus on achieving personal excellence, which is an integral part of the work life of all professionals regardless of the job or industry. In my experience, a common denominator successful leaders share is having a competitive streak, which they creatively harness to get the most out of their innate talents. They are always working to improve and are willing to work harder than anyone else in pursuit of their career goals. I would categorize such leaders as having “positive competitiveness,” meaning that first and foremost they compete against themselves, not against others. They run their own race striving to get progressively better and to be the best version of themselves that they can be at any given time. They are on a quest for a more fulfilled life and to fulfill unrealized potential. They see competition as a welcome challenge to up their own game. They view failure as an opportunity to reflect, learn, and strategize how to succeed next time around. They don’t accept setbacks as the final answer. They will keep pushing the limits until they achieve the desired outcomes.

A frustrating parenting experience for me had been when well-meaning parents, in a desperate attempt to protect their kids from failure and disappointment, were pushing for a policy of no scoring in our city’s soccer league in the U10 brackets. Years later, I still feel strongly that not keeping score in kids’ sports is sorely missing the point. When you take away scoring, children don’t get to experience the thrill of wining nor learn to process a loss. While painful, failure is an excellent learning experience. It is inevitable that our children will experience disappointment. Those times should be an opportunity to teach them how to bounce back and cope with unfavorable situations. Learning to accept disappointment, failure, and the limitations of their skills is an important life skill that is mastered gradually through practice. And it is just as important to teach them, from a young age, the true meaning of competitiveness - that if they want something, they have to work for it.

To be competitive is to be willing to work relentlessly for the things we want. It means that even when we feel tired, we don’t give in to the desire to quit. There will always be days when we are not at our best, we just need to keep pushing. It’s like that moment in running a long distance when it gets really hard and you feel like stopping. But continuing on, even if in a slower pace, will make it easier to power through again the next time we feel fatigued. We know we can do it. In our career, like in our hard workouts, competitiveness means staying strong in order to get through the tough days, to bounce back from failure and to thrive through challenges. It is an invaluable life skill for our personal development and professional growth.

The greatest leaders are those who have mastered the balance of being competitive while being gracious and collaborative team players. They define their own purpose and measures for success. And they hold themselves accountable for working hard enough and consistently enough to deliver on their self-promise.

“Before the reward there must be labor. You plant before you harvest. You sow in tears before you reap joy.”

~Ralph Ransom

Celebrating America’s Independence Day: Abundance Mindset

I am an American by choice. I didn’t come to the USA seeking asylum or protection from religious, ethnic, or political persecution as some of my distant relatives had to do; some finding their way to the United States to escape the horrors of the holocaust, or later fleeing Soviet Russia. I came in pursuit of new adventures and opportunities. It took me 8.5 years to become a U.S. citizen. And I am forever grateful for the wonderful life and community that I’ve built here. I greatly appreciate being able to continuously learn and grow, personally and professionally. To me, being an American goes beyond a place of birth or identifying documents. It is about commitment to the values that mark the foundation of the country - human rights values.

As we celebrate the birth of the greatest country in the world, I reflect on what it means to be American at a time when families are separated at the border, when the Supreme Court approved Trump anti-Muslim Travel Ban, and when it seems that Roe v. Wade might be in danger. I find myself grappling with what I perceive as the decline of core humanistic values, the idea of equal rights and being a beacon of hope. America was built on courage in rejecting the oppressions of the past and the determination to secure freedom, liberty, and justice for all. And yet the narrative has changed to that of fear: fear of loss of jobs (immigrants steal jobs), fear of violence (immigrants are criminals), and fear of pluralism and diversity.

We can only remain the land of the free if we also continue to be the home of the brave by viewing the world as abundant. It is our fear of scarcity that lead us to hoard, to cling to material things as well as discriminatory viewpoints, to refuse to reach out a helping hand or share our good fortune with the less fortunate. When we stop worrying about imagined lack, we open up our world to possibilities and to actively invest in the world we wish to have, a world of open doors, open hearts, and helping hands.

For 4^th of July, here are 4 principles of an abundant mindset:

#1 Thinking big: an abundant mind sees the bigger picture and recognizes possibilities and opportunities.

#2 Being Content: an abundant mind appreciates what is and counts the blessing.

#3 Living Enthusiastically: an abundant mind is an optimist and creates positive personal impact.

#4 Embracing Change: an abundant mind is quick to learn, adapt, grow and thrive.

Adopting a national abundant mindset, we can re-commit to the principles that made this country great and expand the American Dream to make our world bigger, more connected, kinder, and more inclusive. Let’s be the change we want to see and open ourselves to better understand different people and cultures. One way to do this is to read. Books can expand our minds and inspire the power of human connection. Check out Global Citizen’s 10 Powerful, Uplifting Summer Reading Books for Global Citizens.

May we be brave enough to exercise our freedom and use it as an opportunity to do what is right within the community in which we live and work and as global citizens of the whole wide world.

I wish you Happy 4^th of July in hope of a renewed national spirit of courage, liberty, and justice for all.

Living Fearlessly: The Courage to Suck

Sadly, being a perfectionist who sets high expectations for myself and strives persistently to achieve them, I cannot be satisfied with good effort unless it results in good work. I struggle to accept and embrace sucking, my own less-than-stellar performance. An old mentor once told me that the antidote to perfectionism is acceptance, of our strengths as well as our flaws. Giving ourselves permission to live a healthy and happy life while occasionally stumbling, falling, messing up, or not doing and giving it our very best, just our good enough. It’s all temporary anyway – our successes and failures. When things go well, be sure to enjoy it fully. And during those times when it's not all smooth sailing, remember that the wheel of life is always turning, and this, too, shall pass. We need a good mix of successes, partial successes, and failures, a wide variety of experiences, and to face them all with a cheerful heart.

Now, clearly, sucking at something is not fun, but the point is to remind ourselves to be okay with sucking for the moment. Instead of berating yourself for falling short, take a humorous approach and tip your hat to your flaws saying “You are welcome here, too. And we’ll work this out.” The same old mentor challenged me to always keep trying new activities, the point being that I’d suck at the vast majority of them, at least in the beginning. And so, every so often, I will try and pick up a new hobby. I’ve lost count of all the many different pursuits, but can honestly say that some were a huge success being well-suited for my natural ability (adult coloring books, hiking and kayaking), some were an epic fail (kickboxing - hated the smell, and Dragon boat racing - pulled my back rowing on just one side), and some were enjoyable despite the fact that I kind of suck at it, for example, knitting. I never progressed beyond easy patterns for scarves and blankets. But I love knitting. It’s like therapy for me. I even started a knitting club, being the club’s least talented member. But you know what? I am perfectly happy being a beginner knitter for life.

You might counter and ask: “but why would anyone do something they are not good at?” Well, why not? By definition, free time should be a time when we are free to do things for which we have great passion or that give us great pleasure even if we don’t necessarily have the talent or skills. Time out from duties, responsibilities, and toils should be all about fun as a way to reenergize and refresh the mind and body.  There’s a lot to be said for just being in the moment, creating a safe zone where no comparing or competition are allowed, where pure presence and joy are the end-goal.

This brings me to this week’s new challenge – getting back in the pool. It seemed like a truly great idea to fill two needs with one deed, give my legs a break and embrace the sucking. Except that swimming is my worst nightmare. It’s boring, the chlorine kills my skin and wreaks havoc on my curls, and I just cannot get the hang of breathing in the water. To add insult to injury, my goggles always fill with water making my eyes sting. I am definitely meant for solid ground, not water. Despite all of the above, I was determined to give swimming (another) try. I should also specify that I am the product of my father’s Sink or Swim survival swimming teaching method, tossing us kids into the water to make us swim, which in all fairness, was the chosen practice at the time. Most of my friends also took swimming lessons later on. Swimming lessons were a compulsory element in the school 4th grade curriculum when I was growing up in Israel. It was certainly a defining experience of my youth being a pale fat girl sticking out like a sore thumb among the fit, toned, and tanned bodies of my classmates, the sabras. I managed to get out of swim lessons due to chronic ear infections, and so I never properly learned how to swim.

But I showed up committing myself to swimming two times a week, 30 minutes per workout. I wasn’t expecting to be able to cover 20-30 laps like I used to after I took some swimming lessons a couple of years ago, but I was not prepared to only be able to do just 2 lengths of the pool before needing to take a break. By the end of the 30-minutes involving some swimming and a lot of resting, I was completely and utterly exhausted to the delight of my elderly lane-mate who tried to lecture me about the importance of being in good shape. It certainly didn’t help that I made the rookie mistake of forgetting to remove the logo stickers from my brand new googles, looking like a complete and utter idiot, so silly. But instead of protesting too much about my fitness level, I decided to embrace the sucking and allow my uniqueness to scream out loud, “yes, I suck!”

Is this at all applicable to building a career? Some people approach their careers the same way our parents wanted us to approach school: be good at everything. Most people don’t give themselves permission to suck. They stress over their imperfections and are in too big of a rush to speed up the learning process, to make a quick splash. We are humans. Nobody is perfect. Find a way to be okay with sucking for a short time. You’ll suck at most things in the beginning. It takes time, persistence, and patience to deliver your best work. But in our careers, once we spend the necessary time to learn a skill and gain experience, there comes a point when in order to grow, we need to drop, or delegate the things that we suck at to focus on the things we excel at to leverage our strengths for peak performance. Be honest with yourself and understand your limitations in order to learn, grow, and improve. Acknowledge the areas where you have room to grow, but spend most of your energy, time, and attention on using your strengths to get ahead in your career.

But always keep challenging yourself to try out new things. You might suck in the beginning. And that’s okay. Never miss an opportunity to show up and do the best that you can. Have the best attitude, be the best at practicing.  It might turn into a great opportunity or something to leave by the wayside moving on to the next new thing.

When is the last time you tried something new?

Living Fearlessly: The Courage to Ask for Help

In the wake of the terrible and tragic deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I’ve had many conversations with family members, friends, and clients about mental health, depression, and what may lead people who seem to have it all to take their own lives. This type of question typically results in a captivating discussion and the quick realization that everyone struggles with something, which then leads toward a much more personal question as to why, for most of us, asking for help is so difficult, especially for those of us who consider ourselves independent and self-sufficient.

When my brother-in-law was in med school, he used to joke about having “the medical school syndrome,” becoming convinced you are suffering whatever disease you are studying. But being a coach and helping people for a living, I actually have experienced first-hand many of the challenges my clients are facing. In fact, while each person is unique, most workplace issues are fairly common. Through challenges and triumphs we all experience the same basic emotions that have driven and defined the human experience since the beginning of time. Similar to many of my clients, one of my greatest challenges is to ask for and allow myself to accept help. The Art of Asking: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help  was recommended to me as a primer to asking and receiving help. Prior to this recommendation, I hadn’t been aware of the existence of Amanda Palmer. Still not a fan of her music, but the book and her life story are inspiring, see the short version in her Ted Talk: The Art of Asking.

Most people who know me would tell you that I probably have helped them at one point or another. But being the strong-willed high- achiever that I am, I’ve always pushed myself to try and “do it all” my own way, which was positively reinforced in my personal and professional life. I don’t know exactly when it began, but somewhere along the way, the idea took hold that asking for help was a weakness. Despite being surrounded by people willing to lend me a helping hand, I’d stubbornly kept on trying to take on the world single-handedly ignoring those gracious offers of help. It is only in recent years that maturity set in, and I was able to fully grasp that asking for help is a sign of our humanity and fortitude. There’s always an element of vulnerability when opening-up to someone else, but it is the only way to truly connect with our fellow travelers on this mortal journey, the people who show up in our lives and forever change them.

We all have times in our lives when we need help. We don’t ever have all the knowledge, information, skills, or resources to do everything successfully. In the different roles we play in our personal and professional lives, there’s always room for growth and improvement. It is a great strength to know when we need help, where to go for assistance, and how to best utilize the resources available to us. Successful people are those who are strong enough to stand alone and do things on their own, but who are smart enough to know when they need help and to be brave enough to ask for it. Asking for help is taking that leap of faith trusting that if you dare ask, you shall receive. Recognizing the human truth that most people cherish the opportunity to be kind and helpful and appreciate the opportunity to step up and be amazing. Most people are willing to go out of their way to be helpful if only we have the courage to ask.

And there’s so much to be gained by asking for help:

1. Asking for help builds deeper connections: when you allow yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help, you give another person the chance to show empathy and be helpful. This forms a bond of trust on a deep emotional level with the other person.
2. Asking for help encourages collaboration: most people have an innate desire to do good, to make a difference, to contribute in a positive way to those who are in need. Just think about people rallying up when a natural disaster happens willing to help complete strangers across the world. Why wouldn’t they feel just as equally compelled to share their expertise and abilities with people they know? A simple request for help can lead to future mutually beneficial partnerships and collaboration.
3. Asking for help sparks learning and growth: we live and work in a world where things constantly shift and change. It’s okay not to know everything. Like asking questions, asking for help can start a dialogue and pave the way for learning when you come across different approaches, perspectives, knowledge, and skills as people share them with you when providing assistance. If you just pay attention.

But only if you know how to ask:

1. Be prepared: figure out what you need & who to ask

Consider what you hope to achieve before asking someone for their time - clarity and focus are key. Make a wish list of all the potential things you may need help with in order of importance and urgency. For each item list 1-3 people who would be best able to help you with this particular issue. Start with asking for help with your top-of-the-list item, the one that can make a real impact if sorted out.

2. Be specific: state precisely what it is that you need

Because asking for help can feel awkward, you may be tempted to beat around the bush and drop little hints. A better strategy is being direct and covert in asking for assistance. Few of us are expert mind readers, the only way to get what you need, is to ask for it. There’s no shame in asking for something as long as you are upfront and acknowledge that’s exactly what you are doing.

3. Be gracious: acknowledge the help you received

When someone is offering help, in a small way or a large one, be sure to graciously express appreciation and gratitude for the help you’ve received. Just as you should be precise in your “ask,” be specific when you thank someone for their help and support. Let them know how their time, efforts, and actions have made a difference.

Asking for help is a way to connect meaningfully with others, so be humble enough to give generously and receive fearlessly.